Día Once / Day Eleven

I don’t like grief.

I don’t like death, or break ups, or the loss of a loved one in any capacity.

It’s a pretty shitty thing, but I think I’m slowly getting better at it.

I read a story once about how grief comes in waves – at first, they just about drown you and there is no break between sets. But at some point you are able to catch your breath, get a glimpse of the shore and get your bearings before the next onslaught. And then eventually they spread out a little more, and you can start to read the signs and prepare yourself for when another breaker is coming in.

I miss Cat. I grieve the loss of my best friend and mentor, still battered by those waves – although somewhere along the way they did begin to spread out a little more.

I want to walk out this grief well; not only here, but throughout my life. I want to look my pain in the face and not fear it. I want to trust in a grounded assurance that I won’t drown. If I just hold on, the waves don’t last forever, and one day I will be able to think of her laugh and her infatuation with Aldi and how she always remembered my favourite mug and coffee and I can smile freely once again.

This is a process I am acutely aware of during my time walking. I feel like this journey holds keys for me yet, and maybe even ones I can pass to others down the track.

Today, as I walked through pine forests lined with exquisite detailed tiny purple flowers, past creative carvings left for pilgrims, by tractors and cows and more and more fields of gold, I faced a wave.

I cried, I mourned, I smiled through the tears and I appreciated what a blessing my great friend was.

Somehow I spent a good part of the day alone with my memories and love for a great woman. It was almost as if my time was set up divinely – and I like to think it was.  

For hours, I got to walk in solitude. I listened to the birds and rustle of squirrels, the crunch of rocky ground beneath my feet and the rhythm of my own breathing.

Walking is cathartic. I had a sweet morning, and I am thankful for the time alone. 

In the afternoon, I found some of my Pack again. Together, we climbed a mountain and stood in front of a cross at the summit. Someone had an idea to take a photo of our bags all heaped underneath, and I found it symbolic of my day: picturing the sacrifice Jesus made for me, so I can leave my baggage at His feet and walk freely.

I’m still learning, but I am walking more freely. And I know every step I take is one with her by my side and in my heart.

4 thoughts on “Día Once / Day Eleven

  1. Walcott Roslyn says:

    You carry the memories of loved ones in that eternity part of your heart that is with you forever. You learn to ride the waves whenever they roll in.

    Like

    • Naomi Joy says:

      Thank you Aunty Ros ❤️
      I’m learning.
      I like that out here I can cry, weep, and feel the emotions for what they are, but also walk them out.
      As I walk, I find the pain starts to fade and I am once again left with love and gratitude for the time I did get.
      x

      Like

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